condom – nation

Ok I have to write this for a number of reasons, one being their is too much misinformation out there, and the reality of condoms and their use etc is way off.

First and foremost Trojans SUCK. They shouldnt even be aloud to be sold, but I have no control over that. They break, they are as thick as garbage bags and they taste and smell horendous.

Second, men for the most part HATE wearing condoms. As crazy as that is, they do. They will try many tricks (which I will talk about later ) to get that condom to tear, or break, or oooops, slip off. At which time they will tell you how sorry they are, they didnt know.

BULLSHIT….HELLO, IF YOU CANT STAND THE FUCKING THING, IT MUST FEEL LIKE SOMETHING, WHEN THAT SOMETHING GOES AWAY, IT MUST FEEL DIFFERENT, OR YOU WOULDNT HATE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Being aware of that condom, through the whole appt. is of utmost importantance. For your safety and theirs and their family. Which is just your civic duty. Somebody has got to do it.

75% of my appts. I am holding the condom on the whole time. for a number of reasons.

1. They have a small dick and their is no way its staying on by itself.

2. They expressed how much they dislike condoms, which is a major red flag for me.

3. THEY ARE UNCIRCUMCISED…….. <<<<<<THIS IS A BIGGIE. IT IS MANDOTORY THAT YOU HOLD THAT FUCKING THING ON THE WHOLE TIME.

Well i am such a non writer this month…..

but i promise to write more next month. I think I have spent 15 out of 30 days in a courtroom somewhere in Southern California and the remaining at Prop Class 2 days a week, and of course the 4 NA meetings a week also…..fuck but i am getting through it somehow.

My Mr. butt isnt helping much. he has been making scrambled eggs with my brain, and I have told him this and that the things he is doing are not helping me with being sober, or rembering what court or class or fine to pay or be in, It makes it almost impossible to remember cause I am totally thinking about him and what the hell is going on.

Why he doesnt want to sleep with me, even if I am all dressed up, he usually would be all over it. He says his strep throat is coming back, well so fucking what, i would be sick with like my limbs falling off and do you think I would refuse him. NO. never.

and all this after the weekend before that when I told him to just stay away that I was getting clean and need soembody to be supportive and say, you’ll be fine, you can do it, I know its hard, but you are gonna make it. and if he could not be that support system then I needed him to leave me alone because right or wrong, week, or selfish the fact is he is a major part of me being sober, and I could not risk it. So he comes over on Saturday and was so loving and holding my hand, telling me how he knew how lucky he was and how he didnt want to loose what we had, cause he knew it was good. then as quick as that happened a total 180.

thats what I mean when I say scrammbled eggs from my brain.

so today when he drove me to court, we didnt talk much. he made some jokes about me snoring and touching myself, and I told him, well maybe somebody needs to get laid. he didnt say much.

Personally I dont think its gonna last. I dont feel it working anymore and I just wish I could get over it. and move on. Even when I dont call though, when he does I am at his beck and call. still refusing him nothing. Maybe I am secretly hoping that maybe he will stick his dick in me again someday, but so far no. I have never met a man unless he was gay that turned down pussy. until now. And honestly I have just about had it.

So now to work, trying to get my rent caught up.

Oh and I got a new puppy, I named him Pancakes. he is so cute. I dont think I really needed it added to my current load that I am carrying, but Mr. Butt who thinks he just knows everything that I need, insisted that I take him, after 2 weeks of No, No, No so I finally said ok.

That is another thing, I feel hes been lieing allot. he says no, I have no proof, but I feel it. so Only time will tell. Or maybe I am hoping he is, so I can just end it. now that is sad, I loved him so much at one time, and lately I dont. its dropping daily. what a shame that is.

so where the hell have i been?

Court, West court, and Central court then to probation, then to prop, then to NA, then to Prop, then back to court, then to NA.  fucking like 400 a week in cabs alone, just going to courts, and classes.  every fucking week.  it just doesnt stop.

I have to get so serious really quick, now with formal probation going into effect, and then being in prop 2 and then west court comes along and throws a prop plea at me, so i do it, only to find out that i am at the maximum punishment for prop and its up to a judge and counselors at prop to see if i can combine the two, which i dont see why not, since the west court case  is older than the north court case, it just took west allot longer to reach a conclusion and not that long for north.  so its only fair, in the eyes of justice that they allow it.

and fines, fees, payments things to do, the fucking calandar on my computer cant even keep up.  FUCK>…….how did i do this.

And of course, the pussy is still rocking the market,  no matter what, they are calling and needing.  many needs too.  Make no mistake that the little man on the phone talking about verbal humiliation and abuse, while he sexually gratifies himself, he is very serious, NOT he is serious about jacking off on the phone, while seriously wasting my time, all to save a buck FUCK YOU….. this is not even what we had in mind, when we were creating our customers, hell no.  no bargain shoppers, that call up and say all i have is 80, then buddy if that is all  you have, you best not be spending it on 10 min worth of pussy.  ffs, do i really need to tell them that.

but they come, and it seems that they all come out and call on the same days, like some kind of moon, or leap year or something, but certain days, they surface then they scurry back to the alley they lept from with such hope at scoring a piece of ass for a whopping 80 bucks.  If somebody actally made it to my door and came at me with something like that, I would kick him in the fucking teeth.  without even a second thought,  i mean they have adult video arcades where you can sit in a booth and jack off into a pile left from the guy before and be done with it.  all for like 5 bucks, that is where they need to be.  not wasting my fucking time.

Fucking assholes.

Can you believe while this stupid mother fucker was fucking me on my couch, I as I usually do, have my eyes closed.  ( that’s a whole separate post – later) but for whatever reason, I opened my eyes and this scumbag mother fucker was filming me.  grrrrr, i about flipped.  needless to say that was the end of his little tryst.  and he has the nerve to tell me, why are you being such a bitch, you were so nice a minute ago.  EXCUSE ME, DID I JUST HEAR YOU RIGHT, MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WERE FILMING ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.  NOW GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.  

Then the next guy, just creep ed me the fuck out really good, he was like can i just feel you up for like 45 min, “I don’t want no prostitution or anything” WELL GENIUS THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE IQ OF MY DOORKNOB, YOU SURELY WONT GET ANY OF THAT THERE uhhh “prostitution” 

Some people have absolutely no brains what so ever.  the fact that they possess a license to drive a car is frightening, to say the least. 

After that was mr. can we go out and play pool, then hang out and go to my house, and drink and have dinner and have sex. 

Meaning can he absorb like 6 hours of my day, for just like 100 dollars. 

 

NO

why in the fuck would i do that. 

oh i know, because he is special, and different, and deserves it. 

NO, all you are telling me is my time means nothing to you. NO NO NO.

from there I went to NA and then to my class. 

The best gift parents can give their kids ( or one of the best anyway)

Not always, like Jeffery Dahmner, Their is nothing to be proud of there, but in general, if everyone is alive, and headed their own direction.

Saturday now

Well Mr. Butt spent the night last night and now its Saturday morning and I wanted to go to Golden West Swapmeet. But He said no, he has stuff to do around here. grrrrrrr. I made pancakes and cream of wheat for breakfast for him and Cass, My friend Kelly just texted me and said she is going to go to the swapmeet so i am gonna go with her, while Mr. Butt works on his happy trailer. I tried to call Trina too, but no answer. I wondered how far she is on her way to washington. I will just work when i get back.

One thing I wanted to write about is I saw a license plate and the frame of it said “The best revenge is success” Why would somebody consider that revenge. What makes a person think of success as revenge against some body. I think that is totally negative. Why give the people that you want to have revenge on the time of day. Why not be a success for yourself.

So now I am gonna go get ready for the swapmeet. I hope that I find candle making stuff there. That would be the best. I really want to make candles.

So Today is friday

Lets see its a been a couple of days since i wrote anything here, so i better catch up. I do see how this can become addicting though. I find myself throughout the day saying ” I gotta make sure that I write about that in my blog ” but by the time that I write I forgot. So I will try to remember. For the last couple of days Mr. Butt has been here painting his trailer. He had Danny helping him. I so needed to work though, so I just said fuck it and had my appts come while they were painting in the driveway. Then he has the nerve to tell me he needs some space. In my fucking house. after i like break my back trying to accomidate him and Danny both. I am like go the fuck home then. The nerve. But at least I made some money to give to David. And then today I gave Mr. Butt 100 toward my bail balance. That is much needed too.

Oh but something terrible happened. My very dear friend Terry Lynn, moved to Washington about 8 years ago. To get away from the crazy life here, and well she died Tuesday. She just dropped dead at the tanning booth. I was just floored. I wish I could go up there for the funeral but I cant. My other friend and her friend and her friend too Trina she rented a car and is driving up with her boyfriend Jim. Terry has 3 kids and her youngest is my daughters age. I remember we were both having our kids at the same time. It is terrible. She had a heart attack. I am so bumbed out about that. When I think of all the fun times we had, and stuff it just upsets me like crazy. I talked to her daughter today Ashley, the older of the 2 girls and she sounds like she is being strong. I remember when my mom died, and I wasnt nearly as young as Ashley is (22) I was 30 when my mom passed and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with. I cant imagine how it is for Ashley. She is in the prime of her life and this is just awful.

I also went and saw the Indiana Jones movie. It sucked. Totally sucked I was so bored. I dont know how I didnt fall asleep. BORING. My kids and I went and saw Iron Man. Now that was a good movie.

Well Mr. Butt is bar-b-queing ribs now, so I will go visit with him.

The massage

Sooooo the massage was heavenly.  I sure needed it.  I needed to “cut the cords”  doing what I do for work, negative cords are attaching themselves to me at an alarming rate.  So rejuvination is paramount.  Then I came home, it was Memorial Day, Mr. Butt came over spent the night, Yah.  Him, Cassie, Bugs and I barbqued and had a nice dinner.  Except for Bugs, who I worked extra hard to wear him out.  He was sure tired by the time dinner came.  He went to sleep and didnt hear a word from him until about 9:30 a.m.  Now I am going to take him to his Dads, I need to work and such.

What have i been doing? For my mom 6 years after her passing

My mom passed away April 29, 2002. She battled lung cancer for 2 years. She was the strongest woman I have ever met. When she died, I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest.

So….. Mr. Butt came over …..

And we had so much fun.  We went to the Corner Lounge and I drank Vodka Absolute 100…… That shit is the bomb.   omg.  And sexual energy was crazy between us.  God I love him so much.  We were’nt there long obviously.  Then he had to get up and go to training early at 6:00 a.m. which I hate.  Honestly I just laid there and cried a little bit.  I dont really know why.  We were’nt fighting or anything.   Maybe I just hate to see him go.  Thats crazy. 

I spent the day working.   It was a very good day in terms of work too.  Because all todays gents were 1 hour people which obviously is profitable and today was profitable.  Which doesnt mean much for me and shopping or anything because I am still paying my bail off and my rent too.  However it does afford me a house to live in so I will not complain.

Tomorrow Rae and I are going to go get facials and a massage.  I really think it is a much needed massage and facial too.  So I cant wait for that.  What I really cant wait for is Mr. Butt to come back.  grrrrrrrr. 

I truely believe I am the luckiest woman on earth.  I am blessed with an awesome guy and 2 great kids.  All is good for me now.  I hope it continues this way.  Plus paying off my tickets and handling my court is lifting a huge weight off of me.  I cant wait till its all behind me.

I also talked to my brother Richard today.  I called him to discuss getting together next month for my Moms birthday.  June 27.  We are most likely going to meet in Laughlin where we scattered her ashes and celebrate her life.  I miss her so much. 

Well enough for now, I need to go turn off my water outside.  I dont know what it is about watering but I cant seem to stop.  My neighbors call me the “lady of the lake” lol.  everything is green around my house.  actually I have mushrooms cause i get it to wet.  But I dont care. 

Oh 1 more thing, I dont remember if I wrote about but my dear friend Duran just deployed to Iraq for the 5 th time.  He is a recon marine.  He is a true hero.  I love his life. 

Pray for him.